Way out in the water, see it swimming…

I have this dream, over and over.  Things are going normally, I’m with the Ex it’s our “normal” and then I experience that horrible feeling of hopelessness and loneliness – and he doesn’t care.  This is where it gets weird:  blood starts spurting out my back and my chest like I’m laying in a pool of blood.  I am crying and telling him “you’re doing it again” and he is just like “what?” and nothing can be done.  It’s a complete feeling of helplessness.

With your feet the air / And your head on the ground / Try this trick / Spin it / Yeah

It’s just, no matter how many ways the universe says it I still feel the same way.  I want nothing more than to be with him, yet the writing’s on the wall: walk away.  I almost did and then things got complicated.  No, that’s not true: I bought some empty promises probably because that’s all I wanted so very badly…  And I’m miserable for it.  I know I am only in charge of me, and I should learn to manage my reactions. Being with him would require me to cut myself off from my feelings and ignore legit emotional needs; I am not willing to do that and I wouldn’t ask someone to do that for me.  The problem is I can’t seem to convince myself to want anything different either.  It all seems so hopeless.

Your head will collapse / But there’s nothing in / But you ask yourself…

I wish I knew how to listen, or listen and act, or that I could get some actual like, advice or suggestions. On the other hand, I always thought the point of being a witch is not to be entirely bound by fate – to learn to change your fate.  I guess that’s where I went wrong?

Where is my mind? Where is my mind…


About Pixie

I'm just your average 20-something trying to figure it out. I am also a theologian, yogi, witch, pagan, dirty hippie, activist (progressive politics), feminist, knitter, environmentalist, and friend. I've also been accused of being a hipster - I am not sure about that. I am sometimes happy to be Gen Y (go Harry Potter) and most of the time confused (seriously guys... ) by everyone else. My hobbies including knitting (and maybe crochet), quilting, recycling, cooking, writing, reading, and biking. I'm finishing up a masters in public policy and when I worked worked in political nonprofits as an activist.
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4 Responses to Way out in the water, see it swimming…

  1. SpiderGoddes says:

    Aaaw, Sweet One… I understand all too well that sort of sorrow. I am sorry for your pain and I do empathize. I wish you all the strength and wisdom to act that you need in this situation. Much love.

    • Pixie says:

      Thanks… I just wish I knew what to do. I mean, I don’t know seems like there are signs everywhere I just don’t want to accept it.

      • SpiderGoddes says:

        Unfortunately, I have found that when we do not heed the signs, the Universe has a way of kicking our asses in the right direction. I see it as peaceful change (death card in tarot) vs Painful kicking and screaming change (think Tower card).

  2. Pixie says:

    True… Do you work with the WildWood Tarot? I keep getting the ancestor card and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

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