I started this Tarot work, because I wanted to work more with the cards. I did this thing, I don’t know if you’d call it a ritual, meditation, exercise, or what where you take your soul card, ask it what you need to learn from it, and sleep with it under your pillow. (Okay, I didn’t put the card on my pillow, I had a long meditation session with it then set it and the rest of the deck on my nightstand.) Then, I had this epic dream. Not epic in the I’m a hipster and I use cryptic and big words sense but in the technical literary definition of epic. The problem is I am really bad at dream interpretation. I sometimes remember important dreams, and I do believe dreams are important in that they come from our subconscious and the “dreams are a wish your heart makes” Disney kind of way. That being said, I have never done much work with dreams (except I am an habitual lucid dreamer, maybe I’ll talk more about that some other day). So, I really wish I knew how to make sense of this because it’s stuck in my head, it was weird, it was epic, and I just feel it’s important but I am totally at a loss.
There were three main parts of the dream. Essentially, I am presented with a gift, a dog. I consecrate the dog, I don’t just name her – but I consecrate her, then I begin to raise the dog. Over time, situations change, and I reunite with an ex boyfriend. Now, not just some random ex boyfriend, but someone who was a very important person in my life for a very long time. J was my Lokean love, he was all those things your “true love” and “soul mates” are supposed to be: but things went very wrong. That’s life, it happens, I am over it and it’s okay. In my real conscious life there are certainly things about my life with him I miss, and sometimes I miss him as a person, but I do not want to go back to the reality of it. Anyway, J and I are reunited, our “friend family” accepts me, things are as they were – except Loki is there (as like a person). I give Loki the dog to look after because I cannot take her on the next leg of the journey. Let me clarify I did not GIVE the dog to Loki, he was just watching her. I think the turning point is when I go to this wedding (which was a wedding where I was a guest, you know, you can’t take a dog to a friend’s wedding). At the wedding, I have to kick my blood family out: they’re being rude and ruining the wedding. Then, the third part is this epic journey I make with various people in my life. The thing is, the people who help me on this journey were just random friends. Finally, I fail at this epic journey – and my ex Husband comes to catch me as a I literally fall.
It starts with a party, for me. The guests at the party are all the people I have done things magically with and some friends who I feel comfortable sharing my beliefs. Most people are wearing white. It has that awkward formal feel where everyone is on their best behavior. The only people missing are my ex Husband and my best friend Seara (who passed away in 2007). Everything is white, everyone is wearing white except the presenters, and I am in the middle of a circle. Then, two friends who I am close to and share my spiritual beliefs with but who are not magical, come into the middle of the circle and present me with a gift. It is a white German Shepard puppy. This totally make sense because in life, A rescues and raises German Shepard: she says she knows she can give this to me because I will take care of her. Jon on the other hand says that I can name her anything I want, except Morticia (Morticia being the same of Seara’s white german shepard). I did not have any plans or inclinations to name her after Tisha, and I told him that; instead I named her Freya. Next, I go to a local metaphysical store (which I hardly ever go to in real life) where I meet B. He works at the store (also real so didn’t seem strange: it did seem strange that I saw him at the circle since we are not now friends) and asks what I’m looking for and I explain I need an amber amulet for Freya. I get what I’m looking for but this interaction is strange because I’ve had some interesting interactions with him in the past. I’m undecided if he is a person who can be trusted, would help me, wants to help me, or just wants me to do something for him. After putting the amulet on the dog, I run into J, my ex. He wants me to be with him, and we get back together and everything is seemingly wonderful: except there’s Freya. He wants me to go to a party at H’s house and I decline because I can’t leave the dog alone. Also, when we broke up things went badly and I think H’s attitude and all the Heathens there was pretty much “Bros before hoes” and they all hate me. I said I didn’t feel comfortable going to the party because of that, and J convinced me everything would be fine. When we arrived, H took me into his arms, hugged me and kissed me on the head it was like a blessing. Then his girlfriend was there, and she welcomed me into the home: she is pregnant. Everything’s fine, there are some usual party things going on.
Now, it’s a little odd but not entirely strange, Loki is at the party: as a person. This group is made up of Atheists, Discordians, and Heathens so it’s not like Loki is out of place. It’s not the Hollywood version of Loki, it’s the Loki I used to see when I had experiences with him with J. Loki is also J’s patron god so again, this didn’t seem strange. The party goes on and I discover a good friend’s wedding. (In life, these two were married already, this is the last social event I attended with J in 2009 and we went even after we had broken up because we RSVPed and they paid, plus we were both friends with the couple and trying to be good to each other despite everything). The wedding was at a nice hotel and of course, Freya (dog) couldn’t go so I left her in Loki’s care. I was coming back to get her. For some reason, my family was at the hotel the wedding was at and due to come circumstance, my friends had to let them come to the wedding at the last-minute. It’s a wedding, things are nice, J and I are together, everything is wonderful *except* my family is sitting at a table being rude, and offending everyone. Basically, I had to kick them out telling them they are embarrassing me, rude, and offending my friends: if they don’t have enough respect for me than that you know they should tone it down for my friends. They leave and of course they’re hurt and mad but you know? What can you do? So, I go back with J and my friends and things are good.
Finally, the wedding is over and I have to leave. I don’t know where I’m going or why exactly I am going, everyone is leaving but I am leaving on my own. I don’t want to go alone because I think I can’t or I need help or something. This journey requires I go through a hospital and I’m scared. I whine enough that Adam (the groom) who works at the hospital offers to show me the way through, but he will be at work so I have to meet him in a certain room. I don’t know how to get to the room, I’ve never been there before, so J agrees to go with me after I beg him. Typically, J doesn’t actually show up. I am wandering through the hotel and into the hospital alone. Anyway, I got lost in the hospital and I was getting really sacred and suddenly Adam found me. Adam was kind and showed me the way out a back door then he was like “well peace” and I was on my own.
Before me was a pathway through some woods and fields. I started walking and suddenly, S showed up. S was a bestie from my canvas days: we were close but we knew very little about each other. It’s just the job was so overwhelming that you instantly soul bonded with everyone you work with and spend pretty much 21 out of 24 hours a day together. We walked for a while just hanging out like it was a canvas then we came to a bridge over a highway. We both wanted to cross the highway another way, but the only way was the bridge: which appeared as an overpass. Once we made sure there was no other way, we discovered there’s a door and you have to pay to go through the bridge. S went first, it took three quarters and we opened the door. As soon as we opened the door the bridge turned into this fun house. There were three sections (tasks maybe) to go through before completing it and crossing the bridge. The first was really strange, but it was like walking on hot coals (only it was food). I was in the doorway watching S, I kept telling him to hurry up and I could go through but he got stuck. The tasks looked super easy to me and I just wanted to run through but he was having difficulty. Then the door shut and I had to wait while he went through. Once he crossed the bridge, I couldn’t talk to him, but I really wanted to ask him for advice, to know what it was like, etc. Since I didn’t have that option I had to put my money in and did the fun house on my own.
So, it turns out, I only had three quarters and that could only buy me 3:55 minutes on the bridge. Since I had a glimpse of it, I thought that would be more than enough time, but I still wanted more just in case. Afterall, S had trouble crossing so I didn’t want to assume it would be a piece of cake for me either. When I put my money in, the door opened and I started through. First was the food/hot coals and I walked across them fairly easily. Next was a mirror room but it was heavy to walk through – kind of like swimming. Finally, there was a rolling floor tightrope. The floor was a series of tubes each rolling away from the door. I was almost to the door, I could just about reach it and I saw S waiting on the other side. Just as I’m about to get close enough to grasp the door handle, S’s face changes to one of surprise and horror. I don’t know what he’s looking at so I turn around and look back to see a young blonde family in the doorway behind me. Although the door would not open when I went to help S, they have opened the door before my time is up. There’s a mother, father, and a little girl and they look perfectly normal. (Also, this probably can’t represent my family because we are all dark-haired and they were blonde.) I get this feeling of dread and the fun house collapses around me: it was like in a cartoon the sides of the room just fell away. Suddenly I found myself falling and what was once an industrial overpass became a board and rope bridge (like the kind you see in parks over long expanses of water). The bridge is collapsing and I am hurtling downwards. I manage to grab a board and I hang there, suspended, like a kid stuck on the monkey bars. I’m panicking but I try to stay calm and think. I reason that I can’t hang on forever perhaps I can climb up but now there is nowhere to climb to. The highway is gone, the overpass is gone, it’s just me and a drop. Then, suddenly, my ex Husband appears standing by a tree smoking casually – like he’s been here watching or I just happened to be something he stumbled upon going about his business. He walks over, and lifts me down (because he’s a giant, I don’t know how this works) and holds me close to comfort me. Now, with him, I am on a path at the edge (coming away from) the forest but nothing is out here.
And that’s where I woke up crying in terror. Maybe I’m just reading too much into this but this was an intense dream. Really.